When Christian Encouragement Doesn't Feel Encouraging

“Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one

who takes off a garment on a cold day.” Proverbs 25:20

Have you ever been venting about a problem to a friend or loved one and had them say, “Just have faith” or “Trust God” or “God has a plan”? And then suddenly, mid-thought, you feel annoyed and let down, almost…criticized?

Yeah, me, too. What’s that about?

And then…have you ever felt terribly guilty about being annoyed? Yep, same here.

You scold yourself, saying, They’re only trying to help! They’re pointing me to Jesus! And Lord knows I need Jesus!

Good grief! Those internal debates are so tiring and time consuming!

Worse yet, have you ever said these words to someone else and noticed them pull away—either subtly in the moment or gradually over time?

Ouch. What happened?

I’ll tell you (only because I have done this myself): You probably went into fix-it mode. You tried to solve a problem they didn’t ask you to solve. Most likely, you genuinely wanted to relieve their suffering and didn’t know what else to do. As mothers, we know how hard it is to watch someone we love hurt. We immediately want to make it better! So, we quickly offer advice or reassurance or some biblical truth that we hope will alleviate their pain. Unfortunately, sometimes it has the opposite effect.

No finger pointing here! Let’s be clear—I’m literally trying to remove the plank from my own eye; I’m writing this post precisely because I’ve been both on the giving and receiving end of this “encouragement” and it’s been bothering me for some time, so I really wanted to figure out why. Knowing better means I can do better and hopefully help someone else in the process.

Now don’t get me wrong. Those compact statements above ("Just have faith," "Trust God," "God has a plan") are not wrong or bad. In fact, they're a hundred percent true and good! I am not debating that one bit. Yes, as believers we seek to increase our faith in Jesus Christ, including and especially when life gets tough. Yes, we strive to trust God despite the panic and desperation we feel in dark circumstances. And yes, we believe God is sovereign and at work even when we can’t see or understand what He’s doing.

The problem isn’t necessarily what is being said. Sometimes it’s when and how it’s being said.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last 50+ years, it’s that communication matters. Words matter—as well as timing and tone. That jingle about sticks and stones isn’t true. Words can hurt. Sadly, the words that sometimes hurt the most aren't spoken out of malice at all. They’re often spoken without much thought, coming from a heart that genuinely aches for the other person and wants so badly to soothe their pain—but somehow ends up missing the mark.

It's not that that advice-giver lacks compassion. More often than not, the compassion is truly there, but the recipient isn’t feeling it.

I’m reminded of the verse that says that we’re to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). Burdens can be tangible (bringing meals to a friend with a broken leg) or intangible ones (supporting a friend who’s grieving a death in the family). The key is the “bearing” part. To bear someone’s burden means to help carry it with them. This is not to say that we become sponges and spiral into misery with them. Not at all. It simply means to be present in their pain.

And that requires connection before correction (something I learned from a parenting book). Or maybe better put, connection before counsel.

There’s an old saying that goes, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” I feel like that fits perfectly here. You can give someone all the advice in the world, but if they don’t first feel that you genuinely care about what they’re going through, your words probably aren’t going to have the effect you intended.

Leading with compassion and trying to connect lets the other person know that you recognize their distress, and, most importantly, that you're there for them. Feeling heard and supported can make them much more open about any advice or encouragement you do eventually offer. You may not understand exactly what they’re going through, but you don’t have to. What matters is that you’re willing to sit with them while they’re going through hard things.

Showing compassion can be something as simple as, “I’m so sorry. That sounds really heavy. I can see why you’re overwhelmed.” Or, “I can understand why you’re feeling that way.” Or, “I wish I could make it easier for you.”

It also helps to ask questions, giving them space to express what they’re feeling. Something as simple as, “What’s the hardest part right now?” can go a long way toward helping someone feel seen and understood. To me, that’s more than half the battle. Much of the time, people don’t initially want advice; they just want a sympathetic ear and to know they’re not alone. Feeling heard, loved, and supported may be exactly what they need to find the strength to move forward.

Let's go back to that opening verse—Proverbs 25:20:

“Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day.”

I’d never really given that verse much thought before, but now I can’t get that image out of my head. (I love how the Holy Spirit brings Scripture to life through our own experiences!) It's the perfect illustration of why timing matters. Don’t rush to be Pollyanna Positive, offering verses and pearls of wisdom before truly listening to someone who’s pouring out their broken heart. Sometimes, we just need to sit in the fire with them, as Romans 12:15 tells us, and “Weep with those who weep.”

Notice that this verse doesn’t instruct us to tell the weeping person to cheer up. It tells us to weep with them.

There may certainly be a time for advice. There may be a time to remind someone of biblical truth, to pray together, offer perspective, or to actually help solve the problem. But first? Listen. Acknowledge. Connect.

What if you’re on the receiving end of such comments?

Do you say something or not? Do you just chalk it up to the person not really understanding what you need?

I think it depends on your relationship. If it’s someone you’re close to, it’s worth being upfront and saying something like, “I know you’re trying to help, and I appreciate that. But right now I really just need you to listen and not try to fix it.”

Or even, “I know I need to trust God. I’m trying to. I just need to be able to say out loud that this is really hard.”

To be honest, some people just won't get it. And that's ok. It doesn't necessarily reflect how much they love you or how much you love them; they may just not know how to be patiently present with someone who is hurting. Maybe they have burdens of their own or maybe this kind of support doesn't come naturally to them. (It's not exactly a skill that any of us learned in school! Although wouldn't that be nice?) Whatever the reason, we can extend grace and accept that maybe they're not the first person we go to for this type of support.

Speaking of sitting with someone in the hard stuff, there’s one last thing I keep looping back to....

Remember what happened when Lazarus died?

Jesus came to Mary and Martha knowing exactly what He was about to do. He knew Lazarus was going to be raised. He knew how the story ended!

And still... “Jesus wept.” (John 11:35)

Credit: Brooklyn Museum - "Jesus Wept" by James Tissot

When He witnessed their sorrow, he first became "deeply moved" and "greatly troubled," and then He wept. He carried their burden of grief with them.

Jesus could have said, “Don’t cry. Trust Me. I've got this!” And He would have been right!

But instead, He grieved right alongside them.

This passage really hits home for me and sums up perfectly what I'm trying to say here.

There’s nothing wrong with pointing someone toward Jesus. There’s nothing wrong with reminding each other of God's Word. We absolutely need those things.

But sometimes, before we say anything at all, the most Christlike thing we can do is simply be willing to sit beside someone in their pain.

Sometimes we just need to weep with those who weep.

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Thank you for reading. I’m grateful you spent a few moments here, and I pray this message helps you. My heart here at Homegrown Legacy is to share biblical encouragement in today's volatile world, healthy living ideas, and practical ways families can build stronger, more resilient lives—including learning how to earn income from home in a way that aligns with your faith and values. Take what’s helpful, bring the rest to God in prayer, and trust Him to guide you.

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